Bruce.

I’m settling into my day slowly. I got to the office early to reply to emails and send money around as a business owner does. I’m noticing that today my mind is wandering to fantasyland. Today I have googled, “foods to improve fertility during ovulation” and “myths about conceiving”. I notice a little voice in the back of my mind questioning who I am in this moment. Being a woman is a very strange experience. It feels like being on a turbulent airplane that’s headed for your first-choice holiday destination. A mix of terror and elation. What gives?

My best friend has been having “melt downs”. She’s in the process of IVF. My other best friend had a horrendous miscarriage. The other took 3 years to get pregnant. I sit here and feel in my bones that I’ll give this childbearing thing a kick at the can. I’ll do it quietly and on my own terms. I have told no one and if you know me, that’s quite the feat. Now, if I’m being completely honest that’s a lie. My youngest brother knows because I pretty much share everything with him. Poor guy. He’s the only one who knows about this blog. Not even my hubby knows about it. Plus, I guess I more let my brother read about my inner thoughts. I didn’t realllllly tell him so there.

I must admit that I’ve already given the idea of IUI and IVF the old heave-ho. I figure I’ll try the old-fashioned way and if nothing happens that ok. My life will go on and I will be a proud DINK (double income no kids) household. Some days that still feels more appealing.  I got my blood tested a couple of weeks ago. My seizure medication Keppra is low. I just increased it. My seizures before my period stopped since. It’s been a month. I’m hoping that sticks. We had sex last month (congratulations to us). Nothing happened. I didn’t feel disappointed or happy about it. Some days I wonder if something is wrong with me attitude-wise. Other days I am relieved to be me.  So, that’s a smattering of today’s thoughts. Tonight, I plan on meeting my middle brother’s newest family addition- a wiener dog named Bruce. And so it goes...